FML

And I would imagine that having your laptop stolen three days before the exams qualifies for at least a bit of an FML. Oh well. I have everything backed up at home in Vancouver, so the only real loss will come from having to dish out the cash for a new computer. And travelling around Europe without a laptop is a little inconvenient. Alas, there is nothing I can do about it now.

On the plus side, I can take this as an opportunity to remove myself from evil grasp of technology and actually focus on travelling, reading, and enjoing life. Who knows, maybe I’ll enjoy it so much that I will forsake the modern world to live a live of monastic seclusion somewhere on the shores of the Mediterranean.

Though somehow I have a feeling that I will be back here in two month.

Until then.

May 28 2011

“ I only go out to get me a fresh appetite for being alone.

George Gordon Lord Byron

May 25 2011

On being needy.

dearcoketalk:

I have a great relationship that has lasted over a year. He’s a wonderful, intelligent man. The only problem seems to be that he has a hard time complementing me. I think he thinks its awkward, or something. Do I just overlook it, because of all his good traits? He treats me well, and finds other ways to make me feel special, but my ego thinks theres something missing.

Yeah, no. There’s a difference between legitimate intimacy needs within a romantic relationship and not having your ego stroked often enough.

Just remember, a compliment given out of expectation is no compliment at all.

Don’t be that girl.

May 25 2011

Some of my recent favourites from dearcoketalk

May 25 2011

On beginnings and endings.

dearcoketalk:

The legal definition of death is the end of brain activity, right? So the definition of life must be the converse - the existence of brain activity. But since brain activity starts fairly early in utero, wouldn’t that render abortion at most stages … murder? I’m just reading “On The Religion Of Pro-Life” and this is an argument against abortion that isn’t about religion, it’s about legal consistency. I guess the missing warrant is that legal systems need to be internally consistent as a pre-requisite to treating people as moral equals, I just don’t understand how to reconcile the legal definition of life with the legal viability of abortion.

Just fyi, i’m totally pro-choice because i think individual liberty outweighs (and because my moral intuition demands it), i just want to know what you think about the legal issue.

I’ll grant you that legal consistency is important, but come on, it’s ridiculous to define neurogenesis in terms of neuronal necrosis. The beginning of life has nothing to do with the converse of “the end of brain activity.” You’re playing a semantic game with faulty logic to arrive at a wildly inappropriate conclusion, especially one that ends in murder.

The moral implications of terminating a pregnancy are much more akin to those in taking a family member off life support. If you suffer massive brain damage, reducing the level of your brain function to that of a human fetus, you’re a goner. Bummer, dude. I hope you signed your organ donor card.

If and when your next of kin make the decision to pull the plug, they aren’t committing murder. Likewise, when a woman makes the decision to terminate her pregnancy, she isn’t committing murder. There’s your legal consistency.

These are terrible decisions to have to make, but in both cases, we’re dealing with non-viable human brains that require equivalent levels of either ICU or in utero life support. I’m sorry, but a flicker of incoherent electrical activity in your grey matter doesn’t confer moral status as a living human being.

As always, it’s more complicated than that.

May 25 2011

On losing your illusion.

dearcoketalk:

Speaking of losing your sense of direction in life, what’s your advice for a 20-something in those shoes?

I’m a successful, extremely fortunate junior in one of the best schools in the country, and I’m hitting rock fucking bottom. I can’t get out of bed, let alone maintain my academic/professional drive. I have no idea what I want, and no idea how to figure it out.

CT, I’ve begged your help before without answer. No complaints, but this is a biggie. How do I get myself back on track?

You’re not hitting rock bottom. You’re just scared. You’ve only got one more year of formal education before some ivory tower shits you out into the real world, and you’re petrified at what everyone around you says it’s like these days.

You’ve swallowed all the doom and gloom without even chewing, and you’re using it to justify a minor pre-life existential crisis.

You fucking crybaby. Get your ass out of bed, take a hot shower, and show up for class, because nobody cares what you want. Nobody gives a good goddamn if you ever figure it out.

Get laid, get your degree, and then get out there and get on with your life. Along the way, you’d better get used to not having answers to life’s big questions, because there aren’t any. There is no track for you to get back on. Never was.

While you’re at it, take whatever stick you’re using to measure your success and break it over your knee. That kind of success is a mirage on the horizon that will ruin your ability to find happiness in the present moment. It’s an illusion, but one you’re terrified of letting go.

You haven’t lost your sense of direction in life any more than that heartbroken high-schooler. You’ve just lost your motivation in college because you’re paralyzed with fear of the real world.

Thing is, there’s nothing to be afraid of. Just let go of the illusion of your success.

Let it go, dude.

May 25 2011

On unexamined monogamy.

dearcoketalk:

My girlfriend and I have been together for six months, and it’s a great relationship. She had to travel overseas for three months for work purposes, and I’m stuck at home without enough money to travel. She’s been gone for more than a month already, and it was all fine up until recently.

 She was caught out by an overseas friend of mine being kind of flirty in public. Every day for the last week or so, my girlfriend tells me she’s so horny and doesn’t think she can last the length of her stay without cheating; it’s “so hard” and “the distance is getting to me, so hard.” She tells me how guys approach her in clubs and try to sleep with her, but also makes it out that I should be proud of her for saying no to them.

She has a history of sleeping around while over there and not in a relationship, and saying “no” to guys is something new to her. I give her credit for that. I also admit she’s one to usually get what she wants, when he wants, thanks to a rich mother and forgiving father, and now’s a time where she can’t get all of that without hurting me.

However, it still messes with my head. I’ve spoken to two of her friends that have since became my own, and they’re disappointed in her. I’m sorry if this is long, but you seem great with advice. What options are available for me? Is she doing a normal thing? Am I right to be so cut up by it?

This isn’t about you being right or her being wrong, and this certainly isn’t about doing the normal thing. This is about coming to terms with your petty jealousy, addressing her potential lack of integrity and recognizing that you’re in a self-made prison of unexamined monogamy.

Having sex with other people while you’re in a relationship doesn’t always have to be cheating. So many people are in a constant struggle — to cheat or not to cheat — and it never occurs to them that in order to cheat, they have to accept a set of rules before they can break them.

Why accept the rules? Why not make your own? It’s so much healthier to simply reject the underlying assumption that monogamy and fidelity are interchangeable concepts. They’re not.

Yes, that’s right. Monogamy and fidelity are not the same thing.

It’s such a simple statement, but there is so much freedom in it. Being true and faithful in a relationship has no inherent connection to how many sexual partners you have. The connection is self-imposed.

Why do you care if your girlfriend has sex while she’s overseas? Why should she care if you do the same? What are you proving to each other by not having sex for three months? That kind of behavior isn’t strengthening your relationship. All it seems to be doing is building resentment and mistrust.

What am I suggesting here? Well, it’s not all that salacious. Really, it’s about integrity and strength — the integrity to be totally open and honest in a relationship, and the strength to allow yourself and your partner to pursue happiness wherever it may be found.

Obviously, your girlfriend shouldn’t be having any love affairs while she’s away, but physical and emotional intimacy are completely different than getting your rocks off. Come on, dude. You’re not a doe-eyed grade schooler. I shouldn’t have to tell you this.

Take some time to re-examine your romantic fundamentals. Lust isn’t love. Flirting isn’t intimacy. Sex isn’t passion. As long as you two keep the love, intimacy, and passion to yourselves, do you think you can handle letting her have a little lust, flirting and sex when you’re not around?

If not, that’s fine, but understand that the reasons matter. You aren’t talking to me about your girlfriend being undignified, unsafe or disrespectful. All I’m hearing from you is petty jealousy. You are jealous and insecure in the relationship, and that’s not healthy. Jealousy is a symptom of larger trust issues and fears. Throw in the long distance and a girlfriend with a healthy sex drive, and that’s a recipe for things ending badly.

And come to think of it, this advice goes for all couples, gay or straight, in any combination of girl or guy. There is no double standard here. Fear-based monogamy is a terrible foundation for exclusivity in any romantic relationship. Instead, exclusivity should be based on physical and emotional intimacy.

Of course, sex can be a beautiful expression of both physical and emotional intimacy, but that doesn’t mean it always is. Is your girlfriend looking for intimacy while she’s overseas for work, or is she just looking to get laid? Be honest. You know the difference. Are you being jealous out of deep insecurities? Again, be honest. 

Listen, I’m not saying you should give your girlfriend an international hall pass. That kind of thing is entirely up to you. All I’m saying is that you need to take a step back and open up a dialog with you girlfriend about fidelity, and focus on being true to one another where it really matters.

Read “The Coquette” Sundays and Wednesdays in The Daily.

May 25 2011

On intimacy and letting go.

dearcoketalk:

Dear Coquette,

I’m a 25-year-old female in my first serious sexual relationship, after a “Welcome to Sex!” phase of one-night stands during which I hated myself, men and bodies. Since then I’ve learned to like what I’m able to share with him, and I “get it” a whole lot more, but now I’m stagnating and in danger of reviving old patterns. I’m so nostalgic for the enormous amounts of time and attention I used to give to myself that I fail to see how sex makes up for it. If I could learn to really love, love, love sex it would make my life so much easier … How do I prove to myself once and for all that closeness is not time wasted, and that vulnerability is not, necessarily, stress? Because most days I would almost rather masturbate.

Babe, sex or no sex, most days I do masturbate. I hope you don’t think getting off is a one-or-the-other type situation. More importantly, sex isn’t supposed to make up for the attention you give yourself. It’s not a zero-sum game. There doesn’t have to be a conflict between pleasuring yourself and the pleasure you get from your intimate relationship.

Intimacy is never time wasted, but intimacy isn’t about orgasms. Hell, intimacy doesn’t even have to mean sex. As for vulnerability, well, if you equate it with stress, it’s because you aren’t quite capable of detaching vulnerability from anxiety. In other words, you don’t know what its like to really let go.

That’s okay. In fact, it’s not the least bit surprising, considering your body issues and foregrounded self-consciousness. Letting go is what you need to work on, and the best way to do that boils down to what is essentially a series of emotional trust exercises in the bedroom.

It’s time you got a little creative with your closeness. All that time and attention you used to give yourself? Do it with your boyfriend. Invite and incorporate him along for what you used to do by yourself. Bring him with you.

There are no rules to this. No right or wrong way. This isn’t a goal-oriented endeavor. The whole point is just to share yourself physically, honestly and completely. 

No, I’m not kidding, and no, that’s not impossible.

Just let go. Whenever you get all up in your head during sex, I want you to remember those three little words. Say ’em with me now. Just let go.

Will it be scary at first? Sure, but the good kind. Replace the knot in your stomach with butterflies by being present in the moment and trusting that your boyfriend just wants you to be satisfied. I think you’ll be surprised at how open he is to everything.

Of course, you should also talk to him about this. Tell him what you told me. For the sake of his male ego, be sure to let him know that the stagnation you’re feeling isn’t about his performance, but about your own sexual anxiety.

Again, this isn’t about anything that either of you are doing right or wrong in the bedroom. It’s about opening up to your boyfriend and sharing all the stuff in your head. That’s an act of intimacy in and of itself.

If you’re emotionally honest with him, your vulnerability will separate from your anxiety, and you’ll finally make the transition from your “Welcome to Sex!” phase into the infinitely better phase of truly enjoying it.

May 25 2011

Negative Capability

poetbabble asked: What is BM and where and when? I will be in Italy for a month this summer. Also, anything you wish someone had told you before you went to Rome? Cheap places to stay, rail passes, etc... Seriously. Excited.

BM is Burning Man. A quick Tumblr search will provide you with the rest, as it is one of those events where no amount of words will be of use without some images to go with them.

Hmm. There is definitely much that I wish I would have known about Italy earlier, but had to learn the hard way. Much of it will depend on the sort of travelling that you envisage: where you want to go, how long you want to stay for, and how much you want to spend. Here are some general quick points to get you started.

• Don’t expect anything to work like you assume it would.
• Rule of thumb is the more south you go, the cheaper things get.
• Also, the further from the tourist centre you go, the cheaper things get.
• Seriously, Italy can be really cheap, but also very expensive. Knowing some Italian and being adventurous enough to go out of the main areas (both in the country, and in each city) can save you tonnes of money.
• Every cafe/bar will charge you extra to serve you at a table. If you want a quick cup of coffee or aperitivo, have it at the bar like all italians, where it will cost you 60c instead of 4EU.
• Happy hours are great. Make use of them at least a few times. For 5-10EU you get a drink and all you can eat buffet. Some of these are amazing.
• Get an Italy Train Pass (with a set number of days) and use it for all your long distance train travel. All trains on a select day are free, with a 10EU surcharge for fast trains.
• If you’re in a major city for more than a few days, usually try to get a City Pass, which gives you access to some museums, plus transit. The savings is not that much, but being able to skip lines will make you very happy.
• On packed public transit in big cities you will probably be pick-pocketed. Happened to pretty much everyone I know.
• If you can/are brave enough, rent a car/vespa for a day or two and go see the countryside. You will probably get lost, but will have a great time doing it. Or rent a bicycle. 

Anything else I think will depend on where and when you’re going. I hope it’s not in August.

Best,

PS. Thanks for distracting me from International Tax Planning.

Ilia

May 24 2011